Sunday, October 19, 2014

Nuts!

 Two quick comments: First, I am about to embark on a subject that, as the resident prude in the household, makes even me squeamish.  To wit, my wife made me do it.

 Second, this episode's title is one of the most famous quotes of World WAR II.  Look it up-- if you had the stones to tell the German invading force that, facing almost certain death, well much respect to you, Brigadier General Anthony McAuliffe.  I was born in the wrong era.

So this is a compilation of three stories.  You may notice a theme here.  If you do, I assure you that it is all in your imagination.

 I'm beginning to think that there may have been a secret meeting amongst my children.  Goodness knows they spend enough time huddled together in the living room playing raucously and boisterly smacking each other around.  At least that's what I thought they were doing.  But I'm beginning to wonder if the conversations really went something more like this:

Judah:  I like Jaelster.
Jael: (roars like a lion)
Elijah:  Yeah, me too. I think that we're a perfect family.  Did you hear Mom and Dad talking about maybe having another brother or sister someday?
Jael: (cocks head to side, looks very worried)
Elijah: I know.  I'll think of something.  Oh! I know.  Listen, Judah
Judah: Ok.
Elijah:  (whispers in Judah's ear)
Judah: Ok -- I do dat.
Elijah:  Great! I'll tell Jaelster too.
Jael : (big smiles)

I never heard this conversation, but I figured out the plan.

Last Monday,  I picked Jael up from her crib, where she was sitting not-so-patiently waiting for me.  The sitting up, by the way, NEVER gets old when you weren't sure at birth exactly how much sitting up she would be doing in her LIFE.

Right about the time I got her halfway into my arms, she threw her head back and her legs forward, which is her general way of letting me know that she's unhappy with her current situation.  (If you haven't watched a Bruce Lee movie recently, it was something like that.  Except it ended with me laying on the ground moaning, and Jael looking very surprised, like she hadn't planned it out ahead of time.  (And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to...)


That was Monday.  Wednesday we were playing 'mudballs' (it doesn't involve mud or balls... this night being the exception), which is like Monty Python's storming of the castle bred with a pillow fight.  I am the bestial dragon, and the two brave knights (they're really pretending to be knights, although chivalrous they are not) defend it with honor, and in doing so are 31 of 33 all -time in their pursuit.  Both times that I have won they have told me in no uncertain terms that I cheated.  Oh well.  This time, as usual, they won.  When I am 'dead dragon,' I lay there until Elijah (or occasionally Judah) comes over and gives me kiss on the cheek, Snow White-style, to wake me up.  Well, Elijah did.  Judah, who has NEVER seen professional wrestling, climbed up onto the back of the couch and jumped.  Bulls-eye.  I couldn't walk for ten minutes.  Judah even had the good sense to giggle. I had to explain to him that highlight-reel dives onto man-parts are not allowed, even if they are fun.  That was a conversation I'd always wanted to have, let me tell you.

Which leads up to Saturday.  I should have known something was coming, but lately I have the memory of a goldfish-- and an optimistic outlook on life.  Silly me.  I worked late rebuilding a deck and dragged my sorry, getting-softer-by-the-day-in-an-office rear back home thoroughly bedraggled.  I volunteered to stay in the house with Jaelster while everyone else (including our neighbors) went out to the parking lot to shoot off plastic paratroopers that lit up the night sky when they floated down.  I actually didn't want to go out, but Elijah really wanted me to come... and the daddy guilt of having worked an 11-hour day and virtually not seeing him kicked in.  I limped out with Jael and saw one of the most amazing things in God's creation.



I saw little boys, as yet unspoiled by cynicism and coolness, whooping--delighting-- in the play laid in front of them.  I saw Elijah launching these little figurines far up into the crisp night air and Judah running to catch them as they descended.  I saw Elijah, the apprentice, learning from Mr. Dick and Mary, the masters, just how to pull back the slingshot and get them even higher.  I saw Jael's life flash before my eyes as Elijah carefully pulled back and fired without really looking.  We dodged that one -- but barely.

I had learned my lesson.  This jungle might be beautiful, but it was still a jungle.  I carefully walked Jael directly behind Elijah, far enough away so that we were out of reach of any stray part of slingshot that might be lost in the shot,  Judah ran the paratrooper back in and Elijah carefully loaded it up.  He spun around and switched hands so that it loaded easier and pulled back until it was at full tension.  The whole setup looked a little bit awkward, but yours truly was pretty tired and didn't put two and two together until he let it go.  I looked up to see where it went -- and dropped to the ground in agony, somehow holding Jael off the pavement, to see my pants start glowing neon with paratrooper strobe light.  The funniest thing about it all was how Elijah immediately (no question asked, nothing) sprinted behind Rach and wouldn't talk to anyone for five minutes.  I went back to the house and dry-heaved for ten minutes.  Judah giggled for twenty minutes.

And that, folks, is how my children successfully masterminded a plan to neuter me.  Thank God they haven't figured out the adoption process yet :)