It felt like a scene from Rocky. Or not. "Ladies and gentlemen, in one corner, leaning against the fridge, the princess with the dancing eyes, the one -- the only -- Jael Juliana!" The little lady balanced her tiny butt against the fridge, standing straight and tall as she beamed at her brothers and I.
"In the other corner, a mere three feet away..." yours truly. For, Jael, though, the three feet could have been a mile. She had never taken an unassisted step on open ground, never mind four. She looked at me as she swayed, eyes never leaving mine. As she went to take a step, she looked down at her legs, which started swaying like a sailor returning to port after a night on liberty... and much like the aforementioned sailor, down in a heap she went.
I propped her up against the fridge again, and her eyes never lost the giggle that danced in them. This time she didn't look down, but put her arms out and one... two... three steps and fell forward into my arms. "Good girl!" I couldn't help it; I started clapping. Then Elijah came running around and patting her on the back and clapping. It was like a party. She couldn't stop grinning and clapping for herself (at one it's still adorable); I couldn't stop crying. It was the culmination of a year's hard work (for both of us) and prayer (by the hundreds of saints that have surrounded us and help us up before the very throne of God when we were too tired or fearful to do it ourselves). AND IT WAS WORTH IT. Oh, it was worth it.
I realized that day, as the glow faded a little and I plopped her into her walker to continue the hard work (if chasing her brothers giggling can be considered hard work) that had made that last moment possible, that watching her triumphant steps is a bit of a parallel to what my entire year has been like. Today is my birthday (a lady never tells her age, but Elijah follows no such social niceties... he's been running around bellowing at anyone who will listen, "my mom's turning [redacted] today! How old are you?") and this passage has given me a bit of pause to reflect on the year that was and process some things that the insanity of daily life in the Court would otherwise blur.
This last year, if you will, was full of unforeseen challenges: we got through Jael's first surgery, added 5 new specialists and 2 new weekly therapies as well as a research program for immobile children (while balancing our two other children and their homeschooling). Oh, and Micah had to switch careers mid-stream in the meantime.
But I am learning that through the heartache and challenge comes a great and surpassing kind of kind of joy. While I was excited that Elijah could walk at 13 months, it was nothing compared to the waves of relief and joy that I felt when Jael began taking her first steps in her walker, in no small part because of the physical challenges we'd worked through together to get her there! And much like Peter on that dark night in Galilee so many years ago, I am learning to keep my eyes on Him who is enough. Like Jael, looking down at my own wobbly legs leads to collapse. I am not strong enough to fight all the paper tigers that loom up at me daily with their fearful thoughts of her future and the challenges that lie ahead of us, known and unknown.
But like Jael, I don't have to look down. I can look straight ahead, surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (funny to think of Elijah and Judah that way), and with confidence take my faltering steps, knowing that these words still ring true: "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4. I couldn't be prouder of that little girl, and our family as a whole. I look forward to another year of being blessed -- not blessed by getting everything that I want, but blessed to learn the lessons that mean the most: that perfect love drives out fear, that slobbery kisses might be a better birthday present than a new car, and that three small steps might just make a year's toil and trouble WORTH IT.
No comments:
Post a Comment