PRIMAL FEAR

is a) a really awful movie starring Richard Gere

AND

b) an accurate description of what was going around our house at 2 am night before last.

(Disclaimer: I was really the most scared that I have ever been. Having said that, feel free to laugh-- we're all safe, and it got a LOT funnier about 36 hours after it happened. Also, I throw in a picture taken almost two years ago of Elijah raiding the chip bag because it's pretty creepy too.)

The story all started when the Queen somehow misplaced her keys that day. No one knows where she lost them, and two hours of searching later (searching that she somehow managed to tear herself away from to go eat, drink and be merry at a Christmas party) I still hadn't found them. So she came home and we went to bed. Elijah, bless his soul, was having a rough night himself and kept waking up screaming with night terrors.* So we weren't getting much sleep.

I had finally drifted back off to sleep when I got a sharp elbow in the ribs. "Micah! Someone's trying to get in the back door!" Normally I don't really worry about these things-- our doors are securely deadbolted, etc. But of course TONIGHT our keys were potentially floating around somewhere, so I listened. Nothing. "Rachel," I whispered irritably, "Go back to"

WHAM! I definitely heard that. Someone had just opened our screen door. I panicked. Doing what every male does when they panic, I froze. "Did you hear that?" she whispered again.

"Yeah I heard it."

"Are you going to go check?"

And do what, I thought to myself. Get shot? Hmmm. I was now terrified. "Maybe we'll see if it's just the wind."

"I don't think so."

"We'll, let's see." CLICK! Oh crap! I had just jumped out of bed (to protect my family-- I guess there was one courageous bone in my body) when the first wave of adrenaline really hit. And by adrenaline, I mean nausea. I was so dizzy that I could barely stand up. I raced halfway down the stairs and realized that I had nothing in my hands.

"Well?" the very anxious Queen inquired when I got back.

"I didn't go down yet," I admitted with shame. "I need something to defend us with."

Next to our bed there is a flashlight and a battery screw gun. I grabbed the screw gun and ran downstairs, bellowing "HELLO! HELLO!" I suppose if someone was around the corner, I would have pointed the gun at him and told him to freeze, but there was no one there--alomst a disappointment at this stage... I needed something to do with all that adrenaline. The door seemed deadbolted as usual, and no windows were open. I headed back upstairs, a sense of pride in my step. Maybe I wasn't the world's biggest chicken.

"Nothing," I said. "Let's switch sides for tonight so I'm closest to the door."

Something I should mention at this point: I left every light in the downstairs on. If someone did come back for more, I was going to see him long before he got to me-- and I put a battery in the screw gun so it would make some noise if I had to use it.

Two hours later, I was still awake when I heard Elijah wake up. Normally he screams at night when he wakes up, but curiously enough I heard him get out of bed (something he KNOWS he's not supposed to do) and come wandering over to our room. I think all the light filtering up from downstairs had messed with his sleep cycle. "Morning time," I heard him mumble to himself. "Daddy, wake up!" As he opened the door to our room, I heard Rachel stir.

"Lemme up!" he demanded, as he always does at 6:00 am when he wakes up. Small problem: It was 2:45am. BIG problem: The Queen didn't know he had come into the room. Primal fear, meet lungs. Rachel screamed like she hadn't in awhile.

"Rach, it's LJ... Rach, it's LJ... Rach, it's LJ." I was legitimately terrified now that she was going to have an aneurysm. Thankfully, she realized what was going on within ten seconds (to her credit, she wakes up much quicker than I do), and it all turned out fine. Well, except for the not really sleeping again that night. My adrenaline has just now returned to normal, I think.

And we've made one small change: We have furniture barricading every entrance. We might perish in a fire, but dang it, no one's getting in!!!

Have a wonderful (and hopefully, less stressful) night!!

*Actually, at one point Rachel woke me up to go comfort him and then had to come back twenty minutes later to get me-- I wasn't really awake, and had wandered into his room, laid down in the bed next to him, and fallen asleep myself. Just so you understand how tired we were already.