Surviving the Suburban Jungle

I don't know how it's possible that the most hazardous activity I do all week is wandering into a grocery store, but it's far and away the most dangerous thing that we here on the Court do . Let me put it in a little bit of perspective-- I wake up every day and try to corral two active young boys, one of whom thinks biting and clubbing are still funny (though daily discipline is slowly turning the tide-- sigh); I regularly work on a job that has me on heights of over 20 feet or surrounded by tools that can remove digits at the (incorrect) press of a button; I play as many sports as possible; and I voluntarily drive 20 miles over the speed limit when I have no children in the truck... and I stand by my original statement about the grocery store.

The real trick to the grocery store is balancing which crowd you want to fight-- if you go at 7am, you have to fend off the senior citizens; if you go at 9am, you have to avoid moms with double-wide strollers. (Again, I realize that the finger points straight back at me-- we own something so truly ginormous to stash small children in we call it the 'Suburban.' BUT WE DON'T BRING IT IN THE STORE). Both crowds have their particular eccentricities. We generally go at 7am and brave the senior circuit, because the injuries sustained here tend to be funnier and less worthy of trips to the ER. Generally speaking, the early morning 4-cart pileups are caused by 1) Elijah running without looking in front of him, a trait he gets from me, 2) Elijah stopping suddenly without warning, a trait he gets from his mama, 3) a vigilant shopper swerving around the LJ to avoid him, and 4) said vigilant shopper getting their eggs scrambled by 80-year-old woman who isn't paying any attention at all to the aisle in front of her . Every once in awhile, things will actually fly from grocery carts, which shouldn't be funny but always makes me giggle.

The real dangers, though, lurk in the 9am hour. Less benign and more calculated,this shopper is typically a housewife (though let's not discriminate against that most domesticated male of the species) on a mission-- get all the shopping done before church, Sunday morning soccer, etc. You can tell by the focused look and don't-screw-with-me elbow that they'll occasionally throw to wiggle into the space you thought you were contentedly occupying in your search for organic red peppers. Never yet have I heard an "excuse me" or a "pardon me," just an elbow... sometimes I actually wait and let someone go ahead of me if they look like this just to avoid the confrontation. The best wars, however, happen not in the supermarket but in the parking lot. If you think I'm medieval, you should see the jousting that happens when two cars at opposite ends of a lot lane see a car pull out of a space. I've seen two BMWs accelerate at each other in a giant game of chicken to get a spot, only (to my great amusement) to see the driver of that car correct the angle that he had ORIGINALLY pulled in on, lock his car and walk in, leaving the two BMWs sitting fuming at each other. Yup, by the time I get home from my weekly exercise in hunter-gathering, I'm ready to go back to work and pound nails. It's far more civilized.