things I forgot

Today this particular knight arrived back at the small blue castle fresh, eager to see his children and to kiss his wife goodbye and wish her a fond farewell as she headed off to work-- then he and the boys would romp vigorously around the house until they were exhausted and he would kiss their angelic little faces goodnight as he tucked them in. Man, this is the good life! he thought to himself. (#1:I forgot this rarely happens)

(If you don't have kids yet and really really want them someday and don't want me to rain on your optimism parade with realism, skip to a different post or go watch Monday Night Football)....

(Sound of bell ringing as I wake up from my happy delusional state)

What actually happened: I got to my house and walked inside to find-- no one. They were stuck in traffic in Revere dropping an amazing auntie off at the airport (as always, some awesome alliteration there--take that, 4th grade English!) Anyways, by the time they did get here, (#2:I had completely forgot they were coming back) I was down here thinking about what games I should buy for my little reward for working back-to-back 100-hr weeks in August. (#3: I forgot that when my little men at least get back from a long car trip, they are cranky!) Having survived that minor onslaught, we got the Queen off to her job earning pennies towards the next horseless carriage this family will buy and all seemed back to normal.

(#4: I forgot that I should have already known the bait-and-switch was coming-- I wrote about it last week, for Pete's sake!) Judah, as usual, was a peach, cruising around the kitchen and grinning while Elijah tickled him and cackled at his antics. 6:30 came and went and I was feeling might pleased with myself-- half an hour to go and Judah goes down, 1 hour to go and "the day is mine, Trebek!" as Sean Connery used to tell Alek Trebek in SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy. (#5: "The day" is never mine. Limp off the field with the victory, yes. Outright dominance, unlikely.) Without exaggeration, the following things happened between 6:40 and 7:00pm, when I declared a truce (i.e. I was leaving and taking my ball -- in this case, Judah-- home):

6:40 Judah, from standing position at our coffee table, goes down hard without warning-- smashes face, screams. This is pretty common. What's not common is that there are no pacifiers around. (#6: I forgot that we had to get our house exterminated today... this is a much longer story in its own right and will be told at a later date, but hence no pacifiers in plain sight-- also, 35 loads of laundry to do this week) Judah continues screaming as I frantically search with little results. Finally, I offer him my finger to suck.

6:42 (#7: I forgot he has four teeth, not two) Judah chomps down on my hand-- and I wish it was socially acceptable for grown men to cry. See no sign of Elijah.

6:43 Elijah comes out from under the Pack 'n' Play and says, "Daddy.. light not work." I yell at him for finding the one outlet in the entire house that isn't plugged with those silly little baby-proof plugs, tell him it's dangerous, and go to plug in the lamp back in.

6:44 Plug the lamp back in; hear CRASH! That's right, it's time for #8: I forgot the plug on the lamp is about two feet long. Time to change the lightbulb.

6:48 Finish changing lightbulb; have to listen to Sir Elijah say oh, about fifty times, "Daddy-- now light can't work;" look down and see Judah attempting to gnaw on rope light, as my finger is no longer being offered to him.

(#9: I forgot what I did the next ten minutes after that) ... thank God for our daily 7:00 Wheel of Fortune break. In departing, I quote something I've had told to me so many times I can't even attribute it to anyone, but still rings true, "I was such a good parent before I had kids." Now I'm just a battle-weary knight who thanks God every night for the chance to battle them again next morning-- have a good night, everyone!